Your Say
Self-Compassion
Learning to Love, Honour and Respect Ourselves
© 2009, Michael Bradford (1,500 words)
Compassion, forgiveness and generosity are highly revered traits. Western society and many other cultures teach us to love others as ourselves, to be kind, generous and sensitive to the wants, needs and desires of others. We are taught to treat our neighbours as we would treat ourselves. In my opinion, from what I have seen, if people really treated others and their neighbours as they treat themselves, the neighbours and the community would be in big trouble!
One of the biggest challenges that I experience in assisting people to learn, change, risk and grow is their overwhelming need to be perfect, to be loved, honoured, respected, look good, be right, be safe and avoid embarrassment at all costs. The older people get, the more conservative they tend to become and the less they are inclined to risk, change and try new things.
Where did these thoughts, attitudes and beliefs come from? The primary place we were indoctrinated was in our family system, where our parents wanted us to be good, do the right thing, make them proud of us and to make them look good. Another was in school, where we were graded on how well we listened, did our homework and tests, and followed the teacher's instructions. Religion also played a part in this with some religions proclaiming that if we did not submit to their authority and obey all their teachings we would burn in hell for eternity. Although, as adults we logically and scientifically challenge many of these teachings, they are still haunting us, lurking in our subconscious mind.
It is amazing to observe people, who are very loving and giving to others, literally stop their own flow of joy, happiness and abundance. This isn't the exception to the rule - it is the rule! One client was so sick he could not function. This man is a very kind caring professional therapist who many respect and admire. After days of pain and suffering, he emailed me, asking for help. I was both surprised and a little taken back. This person projects being totally self-sufficient and acts like he does not need anyone or anything. His email was more than a cry for help.
When I called him, I asked how he was feeling and the specifics about his health challenges. As he described these to me, instantly, through reading his energy pattern and using my intuition, I picked up that the only thing he was lacking was self-compassion. He was so demanding, so hard on himself and expected so much of himself, that he was literally destroying himself. As I was sharing this with him, he could feel his lungs clearing and the heaviness he had been feeling starting to lift. By the end of our short conversation it was almost completely gone. Luckily my friend called for assistance and received the help he needed.
How many times are we willing to help others, or to sacrifice ourselves, putting the needs of others above our own needs. If we have small children who rely on us for food and protection, then I agree that their needs come first. However, if we are sick or die, there is no way for us to help these children. There must be a balance. Even parents with young children must get away and take a break to rest, recharge, have a life, keep their sanity and to maintain perspective.
Whenever we put anyone else's needs above our own, we are literally telling ourselves that we are not important - that our wants, needs and desires are not as important as the needs of others. There are times when there is a crisis or an accident and it is appropriate to drop everything to take care of others. However if this happens on a continual basis, the message we are sending to ourselves is "Take a ticket and stand in line, someday you may or may not get to the front of the line - others are far more important then you are".
In almost all cases of illness and disease, as well as with most challenges in relationship, business and finances - the core issue is the person is not listening to, or honouring, respecting and taking care of themselves. One of the ways I assist people is by intuitively and energetically checking where they are on their own priority list. Most people are at about number 15 - meaning 14 people are more important to their time and energy then they are. They should be number 1. Placing parents, loved ones, children, grandchildren, extended family, pets, co-workers and friends ahead of one's own needs is insanity - a recipe for disaster.
Years ago, I had a client who was in a wheelchair. Although she made good progress with her health challenges, she would mentally and verbally beat herself up whenever she imagined she slipped back even the slightest amount. Rather than being kind, loving, nurturing, gentle, caring and supporting herself - she abused herself and was her own worst enemy. How can the body and the mind heal when there is no gentleness, no light, no love and no compassion?
When assisting clients, I always acknowledge them for their courage and compliment them on every single improvement they make - regardless of how large or small it is. I believe people respond much better to nurturing, positive support and positive reinforcement, rather then to criticism and abuse.
Imagine being taught by two teachers - one who is angry, negative, fearful, tense, impatient, criticises you, belittles you, calls you names and is abusive. The other teacher is kind, calm, considerate, positive, patient, honours and respects you, and acknowledges each and every achievement you make. Which teacher would you rather have? Now honestly ask yourself, which of these teachers do you become when communicating with yourself? How can you change and improve your patterns so you are more kind and compassionate towards yourself?
Back in 1983, while living in Dallas, Texas, I joined two very different six-month training programs. One focused entirely on what was not working in our life, on analysing what was wrong and discussing how to fix it. While the other program would only allow us to talk about the positive learning, breakthroughs, successes and the "miracles" that happened that week in our life.
Very quickly, I saw some amazing results. The group that focused solely on the negative imploded and fell apart within the first 90 days. Everyone was angry and depressed. Whereas the group that focused only on the positive, finished 6 months later with 85% of the people still attending and making good progress. The difference in the energy of these two groups was tangible.
What do you focus on? How do you nurture, support and cheer yourself on? Do you constantly feed yourself positive words of praise? Do you acknowledge yourself for each and every positive step, for each positive action you take, or are you continually tearing yourself down? Do you spend your time and energy loving, honouring and respecting yourself, or do you allow yourself to fall into the negative behaviours of self-criticism, self-abuse and self-hatred?
Please remember that we are all always doing the very best we can in each and every moment - and that life flows in cycles. Self-discipline, self-control and self-awareness are important positive attributes to have. Being kind, gentle and compassionate with yourself is always a good place to start.
Long ago, I learned about Universal Laws. I learned that the lower law was, "What you do to others, comes back to you!" However, I also learned of a higher law, "What you do to yourself, comes back to you!" We literally cannot give what we do not have - and that we do not give to ourselves. We can spend our entire life in service, giving to others, however if we are not compassionate, forgiving and loving of ourselves, and we do not give to ourselves, we will miss the lesson.
I whole-heartedly believe that the more loving, caring and compassionate we are with ourselves, the more we will have to share with others. We must learn to remain open, to receive graciously and with gratitude - and to be truly compassionate with ourselves. This is one of our greatest lessons in life!
If I can cheer you on or support you in any way, please let me know.
Remember, any positive change made at a deep level automatically moves you forward in all areas of your life. The results that can be achieved in just a few sessions, when these fundamental changes are made, are absolutely amazing.
If you would like to create flow, peak performance and success in your life, then please contact me to find out how I can assist you, your family and your business.
Please feel free to share this article.
Michael Bradford - (UK) +44-7762-615029
Michael@TheIntuitiveAdvantage.com
Sessions available via phone and Skype (video option)
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